The Proportions of one's Ass to the Height of Selected Pumpkins

"Can't you get that pumpkin a little higher?" asked Eric as he watched Barrister balanced precariously on the tottering ladder.
"Why don't you fly your big ass up here and place it a little higher, Eric," said Renee. She was still nursing that Ganga and Gin hangover she had. He smiled at her, a little fangy.
"My big ass?" he asked, turning to look at the feature in dispute. "My ass is perfectly proportioned to the rest of me. As you well know."
"Be good," said Minnie. "Or I will take a page out of Aslinn's book and make you hold hands for the rest of the evening." Eric smiled at his little wife and pulled her to him.
"I promise to be good, I don't want to hold hands with Renee anyway, she digs in with her nails," he said. Renee stuck her tongue out.

Bill had made it back to Bon Temps and he wrote us an email. Sam was on the ballot to be the mayor of Bon Temps and he and the shifter had been making a plan that would help not only the humans of the area but the Vampires who were going hungry because of the Tru:Blood scare and the Hep-V virus which was making the population if not zombie on principle, but zombie in practice. He then wrote about something that happened at Fangtasia. Someone had broken into the bar and while they did not take anything, it was obvious they were looking for something as the bar was wrecked. Bill promised he had Ginger clean up the bar with a few of the other humans and Vampires in Eric's employ but he was still concerned enough to report it. Eric placed a call to his Vampire minions and they all told him they would be keeping a closer eye out for the bar.

Barrister finally got the pumpkin to the height Eric deemed fit for it and Len passed him another one to place. Jessica and James and Willa and Tara helped with the carving while we humans cut and gutted them. They had a lot of fun doing it though Eric and Pam just stood at the side lines. This was beneath their dignity. I thought they were just waiting around for one of us humans to cut ourselves so they could get a little lick. They were still drinking the Red Ale, as it was called here in England, and they were not feeding unless it was a love nip. Renee and I offered to give blood to anyone who needed a little supplement, and so far only Willa and Tara, the youngest of our gang availed themselves of the offer. They would take our wrists and have a little drink and then heal our fang marks.

I stood back and looked at the pile of pumpkins and Aolani waved her hands and they all lit up. So nice having a witch to do that sort of stuff and we stood back to look at the display. Pam smiled and nodded. "I like it."
"We have more to do," I said. "Come and help me with the bodies."
"Sounds fun," she said, following me to the car barn.

Ten Thousand Miles

O my Luve's like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June:
O my Luve's like the melodie,
That's sweetly play'd in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry.

Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.

And fare-thee-weel, my only Luve!
And fare-thee-weel, a while!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho' 'twere ten thousand mile!
Robert Burns A Red Red Rose

“You are going back to Bon Temps aren’t you?” I asked Bill.
“Yes,” he answered.
“You won’t be here for Samhain or Yule,” I said.
“Yes,” he said. “I would ask you and your husband for a favor.”
“Me and my husband?” I asked. “Is this a writ of divorce between us? I have been your sister wife for a while, you could at least say the words if you are done with me.”
“Renee was not pleased with me either, and no, this is not a break up of our relationship,” he said. “I have to go back to Bon Temps.”
“Why? What do you have left in Bon Temps?” I asked.
“Bon Temps is my home and Sam needs me to come and help him with something for both the human and the Vampire community,” said Bill. “I have finished the book and I already have an agent and he has Simon and Shuster interested in it.”
“That’s great Bill, but tell me something, why do you have to go back?” I asked.
“I am still king of Louisiana, I have to go back and help everyone get through this, Sam and I have a plan and we have to work out how to get it in place,” he said. “He is running for Mayor and I am going home to vote.”
“Absentee ballot, ever heard of it?” I asked.
“Aslinn, will you and Barrister please do this for me?” he asked.
“Do what Bill?” I asked, more than a little annoyed.
“Take care of Jessica and James for me,” he said. “Here is my credit card, spend it on her and James needs, let her shop from time to time.”
“Keep it Bill, Jessica is Barrister’s Vampire companion,” I said. “We will care for her needs, just as we cared for yours and Eric’s and everyone else in this house with fangs.”
“I am sorry,” he said.
“No you aren’t Bill, you have been itching to go back there since you got here,” I said. “I’m selfish; I just want you here where you are safe, among friends. I mean, you are worried about who will take care of Jessica but you are not worried about who will take care of you.”
“I can take care of myself,” he said.
“Great, just don’t call us if you get in trouble, I won’t be back,” I said. He looked at me. “You are going back for her aren’t you?” He looked down and pursed his lips.
“You always knew I was in love with her,” he said.
“Oh I know,” I said. “And I was willing to let you go when the time came, but you are just going, leading me and Renee on. Eric is not doing that.”
“I am sorry,” he said again.
“I know you are,” I said.
“Aslinn, I have to go, and this is not all about Sookie, some of it is, but is not all about her,” he said.
“Go Bill, go, and do what you have to do, but please don’t call me when you are heartbroken and you find Sookie is with someone else, and you know she could be, I mean, she wasn’t broken up with you five minutes and she was with Eric, and then she was with Warlow, and now she could be with anyone. Danger whore…strike the danger part and you have it,” I said.
“That is enough,” he said. He zipped up the suit case he’d been packing. “I don’t want us to leave on bad terms, but good terms or bad, I will be leaving.”
“Go, good luck Bill, you are going to need it,” I said.
He came up to me. “Can I kiss you good bye?” I didn’t speak but I didn’t give him much of a kiss either. “Not much of a kiss.”
“I’m better at hello,” I said.

He picked up his suit case and went out of his light tight room and went up stairs to the main floor where Barrister’s driver was taking him to the train which would take him to London to Heathrow. I sat down on the bed. I don’t know how long I sat there when I heard someone knocking on the door frame. I looked up.
“Oh great, the Norse Lothario, come to give me comfort,” I said.
“I can go, I just heard you two talking,” said Eric, leaning against the door frame.
“Anything with fangs heard us talking, and I am sure it entertained everyone,” I said.
“No, Renee and Bill’s scene was far more entertaining, she called him filthy names and I think she slapped him,” said Eric.
“She should know better,” I said. “Slapping you guys is like slapping a brick wall. I ought to know, I slapped you enough.”
“Yeah but you are trying to save my soul, which you should know better than to try, as I have no soul I am aware of,” said the handsome blond Vampire. “How about some revenge sex? It would really piss Bill off to know you have replaced him with me.”
“No thank you,” I said. “Eric, would you do me a favor?”
“If I can,” he said.
“Could you leave me the fuck alone so I can cry,” I asked. Eric frowned and shook his head and came over to me and pulled me up to his chest. I began to cry and he held me and rocked me.

“You are my best friend,” he said. “I am sorry Bill has broken your heart. You really should have listened to him when he said Vampires always hurt those they love the most.”
“You have never hurt me,” I snuffled, snotting on his clean tee shirt.
“I am going to have change tee shirts aren’t I?” he said. He pulled me back a little. “Yeah, you know Renee cried on me too, so that is okay.” He pulled me back against him and he said nothing. “I have hurt you Aslinn, I am always on the make, I made fun of Bill and I did things to try and make you like me more than him. I should have left him alone.”
“You did all those things to him because of Sookie,” I said.
“I don’t like Bill Compton, so I would have done that anyway, without Sookie Stackhouse,” he said. “I have been at Bill’s throat since I met him.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because he doesn’t like who he is, and he is too much of a coward to end it,” said Eric.
“You are a happy Vampire,” I said. He chuckled.
“Yes, I am. I do love my being Vampire. I sacrificed a lot being who I am, but I am content and unashamed,” he said. “It makes life interesting to be who you are with no apologies, to live and know the world at night. But Bill will be back, he loves you and Renee.”
“Not as much as he does Sookie, and I don’t want to be a substitute for her,” I said.
“Then don’t,” he said. “Be yourself, don’t let him bring you down. I am working up a story for Samhain to tell at the fire. Are we really giving candy away to little humans who come begging?”
“We are,” I said. “What are you dressing as?”
“What I always dress as,” he said. “A Vampire.”
“Boring,” I said. “Dress up as something else.”
“How about a Viking Vampire?” he asked.
“How about the Frankenstein monster,” I said. He shook his head.
“Grey green is not my best color,” he said.
“I think that grave yard green is kind of hot,” I said.
Oh yeah? Maybe I will give it some thought if you and my sister wives will paint my whole body that color,” he said, grinning.
“You only need your face and neck and hands,” I said.
“I want to go for realism, get into the character,” he said, leading me out of the room.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“Well, I have to change my tee shirt,” he said. “Barrister’s house keeper is going to have wash two more tee shirts than is necessary, this was my fresh tee shirt after Renee got my first tee shirt snotty, now you have done it to this one.”
“Easy Eric, I just cried on yours a little, I could blow my nose on it,” I said.
“Please, just use the tail of my tee shirt,” he said. “I hate that warm gooey sensation on my chest.”
“No thanks,” I said.
“So what are you dressing up as for Samhain?” he asked.
“I was thinking of embracing the stereotype,” I said.
“Boring…you could be a Vampire,” he said. “In fact, it would please me to no end to help you get into character.”
“What like join the Monster Squad for real?” I asked.
“Sure, wouldn’t that be a hoot?” he asked.
“Did you really say that?” I asked, as we went into his room.
“Yeah, I heard James say it and I have been trying it on for size,” he said. “Expanding my vocabulary.” I stopped at the door as he walked on into his room.
“Don’t do that, your vocabulary is fine as it is,” I said.

“It would really bite Bill’s ass,” he said, going into the closet and selecting another tee shirt, this one with Black Sabbath on it.
“Nope, he already knows that if I take the immortal plunge that you would be the one for me,” I said. “You know what to do.”
“That I do,” he said, walking into the bathroom. He threw the used tee shirt on the bed and came out and was stretching the tee shirt over his shoulders. “Are you through crying, because if you aren’t I will keep my shirt off.”
“Yeah, you don’t want me to snot on your bare chest,” I said. “God, Eric, you are a beautiful creature.”
“I am,” he said. “So what else can you be for Samhain?”
“How about I be Frankenstein and you be the monster,” I said.
“We could do it Rocky Horror style…I have gold colored speedos,” he said.
“See, why did I know you did,” I said. “I don’t think Barrister would like for me to wear a corset and stockings.”
“He could too,” said Eric.
“Nah, you look like you would enjoy it too much,” I said.
“Barrister has nice legs,” he said nodding in agreement. He fiddled around in the room, brushing out his hair and straightening his shirt. “Renee could dress up in a corset and stockings and her stillies,” said Eric. “Then we could take a picture of us all gadded up in our underwear and send it to Bill.”
“Now that would be a hoot,” I said. He came up to me and cupped my face in his big hands.
“You still love him, don’t you?” asked Eric. I nodded.
“Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear, And the rocks melt wi' the sun; And I will luve thee still, my dear, While the sands o' life shall run.” I quoted the Robert Burns poem I had read so long ago.
“My poor little Aslinn, what shall I do with you,” he said. He leaned down and kissed my cheeks. “Come, we should watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show and get inspired.” He and I walked out of his room and headed for the stairs. “How about priest and naughty nun?”
“You already did Father Wattawaste,” I said.
“Oh yeah, I did,” he said. “How about….”

The Adventures of Ganga Gin By Renee

Nighttime, several hours before Aslinn's conversations with the vampires......,

The house was quiet as most of the occupants were either sleeping or indulging in nocturnal delights that would only cease with the rising of the sun.  James sat alone in the drawing room, softly strumming his guitar and humming quietly as he searched for the words that would meld with the notes and tell the stories of  his heart.  Perhaps he would write a song for Jessica, she was completely different compared to vampires he had known over the decades.  His reverie was interrupted by raised voices echoing up from the light tight wing of the house.

“Do not follow me!” Renee roared “I swear William Erasmus Compton if you take one more step I‘ll say something I don‘t want to!”  A door slammed and a somewhat disheveled Renee stormed into the drawing room and, ignoring James’ presence, headed for the table where the cut glass bottles of liquor were kept.

James stayed seated, holding his guitar, as he stared open mouthed at the woman who was now moving bottles while muttering something about tequila and cell phones.  She was a vision, that was for sure, her red hair was tangled and tumbled around her shoulders, she was wearing a deep purple negligee that had obviously been chosen to gain the attention of her vampire although it’s current condition was less than pristine, with rumples and a rip or two not to mention blood from what was obviously an improperly sealed bite staining the bodice.

“Um, Renee?” he said as she continued to rummage amongst the bottles.

“Screw it,” she growled “it’ll have to be a faerie vagina special” as she poured a generous amount of gin into a glass and topped it with a splash of tonic.

James cleared his throat, “Renee, are you ok?”

She gave a small shriek as she turned to face him “Fuck me!  You scared the dickens out of me.”

“Sorry,” he said in his calm voice “are you ok?  I mean you’re bleeding.”

“Shit!” she cursed and ran to look in the decorative mirror that hung on the wall nearest the door “I’m going to smash that freaking cell phone!  No, I’m going to find a really good hacker and have his service cancelled.  No, I’m going to shove it up his arse sideways!” she fumed as she grabbed several tissues from a box conveniently located on the table under the mirror and began dabbing at the stains and the offending fang marks.

Struggling not to laugh at her inventive ranting, James walked over to the fuming redhead and piercing his fingertip with a fang said “Here, let me” and gently healed the marks.  “What happened?” he asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.

“I’m sure you already know,” Renee sighed

“Well,” he said quietly “you two obviously had some sort of disagreement.”

Renee made a derisive snort as headed for the desk that held a communal desktop and began to rifle through the drawers, “One could say it was a disagreement” she said as she searched.  Obviously, her search had been rewarded when she turned holding one of the ‘extra special’ cigarettes they occasionally indulged in if Minnie hadn’t baked recently.

James cocked an eyebrow as she swiftly lit the cigarette and said “Renee?  Really?”

Inhaling, and speaking with that odd voice smokers of the herb often used “A Wiccan of my acquaintance described it once as Mother Nature’s Valium and since I’m already indulging in the faerie vagina special it’s better than the pharmaceutical version.”

“Why do you call a gin and tonic a vagina special?’ he asked.

Renee chuckled darkly as she exhaled the pungent smoke, “It’s the drink of choice of a certain pain in my ass who doesn’t know if she’s gonna stake it, break it, or fuck it.”  She took a sip of her drink and turned towards the doorway as Bill walked in, fully clothed.  “Oh look, “ she said raising her glass to her lover “here’s her trifecta now and to be precise, it’s a  faerie vagina special.”

Bill looked somewhat nonplussed, “Renee, you know I prefer that you not denigrate Sookie.”

“Oh really?” she hissed “and you expect me to suck up everything that bitch has done to you?  Damnit Bill!!!  She even staked you!!”

“She didn’t harm me, Lilith;s blood protected me,” he said roughly.

“Well she damn well didn’t know that!  I don’t care that she was trying to protect Eric,” at this point tears filled her eyes “you could have met the true death Bill!  Don’t you understand my love?  She could have taken you from us and wouldn’t have given more than a passing thought to who she hurt by her actions.”

“Renee!” Bill said sharply.

“I held her in my arms Bill, and comforted her while she cried over Warlow.  Do you honestly think she’d have done the same for me?  She had that mystical bond with his faepire ass,  how could you complete? “ she growled “Huh?  How?  He‘s still dead though, isn‘t he?  Because he went mad with her machinations.  I feel sorry for the poor fucker myself.”

“That is quite enough Renee!” Bill’s irritation was becoming evident.

“Did her pussy light up for you Bill?  When you fucked her? Is that what makes her precious faerie vagina so addictive?” Renee shrieked.

James wished he could be anywhere but in this room with the troubled lovers, it was obvious to him that Renee didn’t react well to gin and ganja combined.  He almost expected her hair to whirl around her like something out of an old B rated movie.

Renee took a deep breath, “I know that book you’re working on getting published is a big draw but she draws you even more.  You pulled away from me in bed Bill, while we were together,” her voice cracked with the pain and anguish she struggled to keep down  “I knew the ringtone was Sam’s, I know you’ve been talking to him and getting updates on her along with whatever you’re cooking up together.  You chose your phone and the impetus behind that call over me.  Damnit Bill!  James had to heal my neck!  Do you even realize what that did to me?”

Bill’s eyes turned to the younger vampire, “You touched her?” he growled as his fangs dropped.

“Oh no,” she said stepping in front of him “you don’t have the right to go all ‘she’s mine’ on him.  He saw I needed help and didn‘t hesitate.”

Bill reached out and clasped Renee’s arms, “Sweetheart, I  have to talk to you.”

Renee looked up into the blue eyes she loved so very much, “You’re finally going to tell me that you’re leaving?  You think I didn’t know?  Didn’t know that besides leaving for that book, you’re also going to her?”  The tears that had threatened finally began to slide down her cheeks, “I’ve laid the cards so many times and gotten the same answers, I’ve cast the runes and gotten the same results.”

“Sweetheart, I don’t know if I’m going,” he said.

“Don’t lie to me Bill, do anything but lie to me,” she whispered.

As James attempted to extricate himself from both the room and the uncomfortable tableaux playing out before him, he was stopped  by Eric who had been standing in the doorway watching the drama unfold.  “You don’t want to miss a second of this James,” he smirked “lets see if he can pull his ass out of the fire this time.”

“Eric,” Bill snarled “you have no place in this.  Get out!”

“Really?” Eric purred with a sardonic smile “I think I very much have a place in this, in fact perhaps I’ll take your place since you are intent on abandoning Renee.  You’ll come to me, won’t you Renee?  You know you want to.”

Renee turned towards the Viking saying brokenly, “Eric, don‘t.”

Bill’s temper flared, “You will not go to Eric, Renee.  You are mine!”

These words were like tinder to a flame, Renee whirled and slapped his face with such force that he staggered back from her.  “How dare you!” she shrieked “you think I would be so faithless and fickle that I’d go from your bed to Eric’s?  I’m not the one who’s being faithless here!  Go to your precious Sookie!  Go to her from my bed but, do not think you will be welcomed back when that bitch casts you aside again!”

She headed towards the door and seeing the drink that she had put down upon the table picked it up and hurled the glass and contents at her lover.  Bill darted to the side, barely avoiding the resultant mess as the glass shattered against the wall.

Eric laughed, “Aslinn and Barrister are not going to be happy with you Renee.”

“They’ll put it on my tab,” she said her voice beginning to slur from the combination of gin, ganja, and grief.

This outburst had the effect Renee had been seeking, Bill stood apart, silent, watching as James moved forward to help her leave the room.  Her words wafted back to him as she swayed down the hall clutching James’s arm.

“Sweet cheeks,” she said “we need to go to the kitchen, I need some ice.”

“What’s wrong?” he asked aware that the vampires they had left were listening intently as they glared at each other.

“That glass wasn’t the only thing broken, my hand hurts like a bitch,” she looked up into his face, “you’re such a sweet boy, remind me to tell Jessica how sweet you are.”

“Boy?” he said a hint of laughter in his voice.

“Yeppers,” she said “and right now I feel old enough to be your momma.”

“Oh come now Renee,” came Eric’s voice from the hall “you don’t seem old enough to be Kellie’s mother and certainly not James‘s mother.”

Renee turned and watched Eric come into the room while James took a bag of frozen peas from the freezer and placed it on her swollen hand, “Where is Bill?” she asked as her eyes filled again.

Eric gathered her in his arms, holding her to his chest as he supported the bag of peas on her hand, “I’m sorry Renee, he’s gone to pack.  He plans to speak to Aslinn before he leaves.”

She burrowed into his embrace and began to weep stormily for several minutes.  Once her tears began to subside she looked over to James who seemed to be destined to be the witness to her troubles tonight, “James, you’re going to have to be there for Jessica.  This is going to hurt her badly and she’ll need you.”

“She’s spending the evening with Barrister,” he said “but I’ll be there when she rises and learns that Bill has gone.”

“An excellent plan,” said Eric “you should head off to your room in case she goes to rest early.”

As James left the room Eric looked down at Renee, “Now then, you should go to bed as well, you’ve had a difficult night.”

“I am tired,” she said “but I don’t know if I will be able to sleep, my mind is racing.”

“I have a cure for that,” he grinned “sex with me will make it all go away.”

“I’ve already beaten the shit out of one hand Eric,” she said “don’t make me break the other one punching you in your junk.”

He laughed and picked her up, “I’ll take you to your room and tuck you in.”

“Ok,” she acquiesced “but no funny business.”

“Of course not,” he said although his expression belied his words.

“Eric,” she said as he began to carry her up the staircase “sometime, remind me that ganja and gin isn’t a good look for me.”

“Noted,” he said “but I must admit that the effects on your temper makes for an entertaining evening, as long as it’s not directed at me.”   As he looked down into her troubled and tear stained face he thought that  soon, very soon he and Mr. Compton were going to have a long discussion about the women who loved him and his recent treatment of them.  This promised to be an interesting conversation, very interesting, very interesting indeed but then, it’s always nice to have something to look forward to.

Girls Night Out

I had been to London many times but never with someone like Pam. She was a force of nature as she shopped, wielding Eric’s black AMEX card like a mighty sword. She had bags and bundles with her full of clothes and shoes and a few things Eric told her to pick up. I suspected it was not a set of silky boxers with smiley faces on them.

We stopped at Blood and Donuts. It was the Vampire equivalent of a tea shop. They served tea and coffee and they did have donuts, but they also served Red Ale and Bloody Shamrock, a cheap blood substitute Pam would not even look at. We pulled together a few of the tables and pulled the chairs around. We ordered Red Ale for the fanged set and tea and coffee and the pastry plate for the humans. Jessica was pouting because number one, Kellie had gone to Surrey to hide out from some pretty narrow minded Vampires back home, and James said he would hang out with the boys and do the manly thing, which was watch the soccer games and drink beer and blood and listen to Bill’s phone ring and his footfalls as he went upstairs and out of the mancave. Each time it happened, Eric’s eyes were narrowed as he watched the blur that was Bill go upstairs. I was not sure if he was irritated on mine and Renee’s account or if he was just irritated.

But I was not concerned with Bill, I was happy to be in London with Pam. Pam is a toothsome gal with a thousand watt sense of humor. Her cutting edge sarcasm was something she shared with Tara who had her own brand of humor and Willa was a little shy, nothing like her maker, and nothing like her big sister. She was a little romantic and though she had joined me in reading the Black Dagger Brotherhood, she insisted Phury was the most romantic fictional Vampire she had ever read. Renee and I rolled our eyes about that, we thought Phury needed a high colonic. Pam had to agree but then she liked Payne and Xhex.

“So Bill has been neglecting you girls,” said Pam.
“Yeah, I am about to run a stake through his phone,” said Renee. “At least when he was possessed by Lilith, he was interesting in a scary way.” I said nothing. I was glad that Bill was back, but I would like to have his attention a little more. I knew in my heart he was on his way back to Bon Temps, and very likely he would go before we did. Eric was holding firm. He wanted an English Yule and New Years. Then we could head back to America and he would deal with what was going on at Shreveport. As far as he could tell, the bar was okay, still closed and he made sure there was cash enough to pay his waitresses and Chow who were taking care of the property.
“I bought Eric a nice gift for Yule,” said Jessica.
“Oh yeah? What did you get him?” asked Tara.
“I got him a new wallet,” she said. “He needs one, I saw how worn out his was the other night when Pam got his card.”
“Excellent choice,” said Pam. “I got him some silk shirts, he always likes silk shirts.”
“I ordered him something,” said Minnie. “But I don’t know that he will like it.”
“What did you get him Minnie dear?” asked Pam. Pam liked Minnie though she was the polar opposite of her. I think it is all the times she saw Minnie whip around with a Glock 9 mm in her hand guarding her maker’s back.
“I ordered him a matched pair of pistols with mother of pearl grips in a double shoulder holster,” she said.
“Oh, he will love them,” said Pam.
“I know a guy who makes fine firearms, so I ordered them a while back. I had Alcide pick them up and send them here, I just hope they make it through customs,” she said.
“Did you send it by Anubis Air Post?” asked Pam.
“Yes,” she said.
“Then you should have no trouble,” she said. “They don’t search Air Anubis packages, as Renee well knows.”
“Man, that moose stew you made was delicious,” I said to Renee.
“Well, I don’t know what I am going to get Eric or Bill,” said Aolani.
“Lumps of coal for Bill Compton,” said Renee, still seething. “I got Eric some Viking music, some band called Norse Storm, they do the traditional stuff then they hit some pretty hard core heavy metal stuff.”
“I got Eric something for his garden,” I said. “I found a great statute of Odin for his garden.”
“What did you get Bill?” asked Willa.
“I got him some cds and books and I got him a book of military weaponry,” I said.
“I still have not bought him anything,” said Renee.
“I bought Bill a leather coat,” said Jessica.
“Eric would look good in leather,” said Willa.
“He looks great in anything,” said Minnie.
“Even undershorts with smiley faces?” asked Tara.
“Especially in under shorts with smiley faces,” said Minnie.
“I have no idea what to get Bill or Eric,” said Tara.
“What did you get me?” asked Pam
“I’m not telling,” she said. Renee and I had helped Tara buy an outfit for Pam, in her usual classy midcentury style.
“So what would you like for Christmas Willa?” asked Aolani.
“I don’t know,” she said. “Maybe another romantic Vampire series to read.”
“Um…you have it bad, we need to find you a boyfriend,” said Jessica.
“There is someone I like very much but I know he doesn’t like me that way,” she said.
“Who?” asked Jessica.
“I can’t tell you that,” she said.
“Well if it is Phury, you would have to shove a stick of dynamite under his ass to get him to kiss you…or you would have to make the first move,” said Renee.
“Maybe you should take your own advice,” said Pam.
“Oh yeah?” she said.
“Shove a stick of dynamite in Bill’s ass,” said Pam.
"Under, Pam, under his ass," I said.
"In, under...it's all the same to me," said Pam.

Patience is a Virtue

Oh, lend me your ear
While I call you a fool
You were kissed by a witch
One night in the wood

And later insisted
Your feelings were true
The witches promise was coming
Believing he listened
While laughing you flew

Leaves falling, red, yellow, brown
All look the same
And the love you have found
Lay outside in the rain

Washed clean by the water
But nursing its pain
The witches promise was coming
And you're looking elsewhere
For your own selfish gain

Keep looking, keep looking
For somewhere to be
Well, you're wastin' your time
They're not stupid like he is

Meanwhile leaves are still falling
You're too blind to see
You won't find it easy now
It's only fair

But he was willing to give to you
But you didn't care
You're waiting for more
But you've already had your share

The witches promise is turning
So don't wait up for him
He's going to be late

The Witches Promise- Jethro Tull

We were up and getting ready t o go and visit the witches of Harrow. Renee and Kellie were with us, though I did not know how long she would be with us. Something was up and I was worried about her. But we were dressing warmly to go and be at a little meet and greet. I thought there would be no problem with making their acquaintance. The only hitch in this plan was Bill was not coming with us. He was busy with the book and I was getting fed up as Renee with the time he was spending away from us. Even he and I had bickered and I ended up sleeping on the couch while Barrister was with his Vampire honey. I was sad but more than that I was mad.

Eric was still up roaming around. He sat down on the chaise and looked at me. "I like it here," he said.
"I'm glad you like it here," I said. "This is your home away from home."
"You have to be patient with Bill," he said.
"Giving me advice on my love life Eric?" I asked.
"Nope, just making an observation," he said. "Frankly, the quicker you and Renee break up with him, the sooner you both can be mine."
"Forget it, I have a human husband who tolerates this relationship with Bill. If I break it off with Bill...."
"Or in Bill," he said.
"Well Renee may break it off in him...I won't," I said.
"She certainly swept Kellie into her room for the night," said Eric, a little disappointed.
"Eric, you should be really careful with Renee...she may decide to break it off in you," I said. When it came to her chick, she was ruthless. Eric laughed.
"So tomorrow night, we will meet these witches?" he asked.
"Yeah, you know they are training Vampires to be witches here. Why is it such a big deal in America," I asked.
"In many ways, the American Vampires are not as forward thinking as the European Vampires," said Eric. "But then there are some things European Vampires would not approve of."
"I guess so," I said.
"Did you enjoy your trip to London?" he asked.
"I did," I said. "But I am always glad to come home."
"I think that is what I like about this house and this little village. I like the quiet and the peace," he said. "I can see why you are always anxious to be here."
"I know we have to go back to Bon Temps after Christmas and New Years," I said.
"Yes, I have to decide what to do with Fangtasia, and really, in some ways though I hate to say it, I think Bill is right, I think something bad is about to happen in Bon Temps and we need to be there," said Eric. "I was reading that medical journal article Barrister's father brought over about the Hep V epidemic. It is mutating."
"Yeah and I guess all the healthy Vampires need to get over there and try and clean out the sick ones and protect the healthy ones and the humans," I said.
"We do," he said. He rubbed his eyes.
"Your eyes still bugging you big guy?" I asked.
"Yes," he said. "I think I got a little sun burn on my retinas but they will be okay. I see fine, they just get tired."
"Maybe you should see that ophthalmologist Dr. Sweeney recommended," I said. "It is not good to play loose and fast with your eyes."
"I know, I will," he said.
"Only if I put a load of dynamite up your butt and blow you to the doctor's office," I said.
"You know me so well," he said. "Aslinn, I don't think I can express how much gratitude I have that you and the others came after me. When I began to burn, I thought...this is it...this is when I die but I fell into the snow and it covered me somewhat though I still burned. When the sun went down, I crawled into that cave, still thinking I was going to die and Godric came to me and told me you were on your way. I didn't believe him."
"Eric, I was prepared to whatever it took to bring you back. I was even prepared to resurrect you, using that spell," I said.
"Please, don't ever do that. You know, everything has to die, sometime, everything has to die. It is unnatural for us to live as long as we do, there is no end to our personal pain when we lose...." he stopped and swallowed. "When we lose people we love. We mourn for as long as we are on the earth. Death, as you well know, is sometimes a mercy."
"I wasn't done being your friend yet," I said. "I could not just let you disappear and not try everything in my power to bring you back." Eric said nothing and then he inhaled deeply.
"Go easy on Bill," he said. "He has a lot to atone for. Maybe this is a part of his own process. I know you still love him, but he has to do whatever it is he is doing, and maybe we need to let him...lay the groundwork for what will happen."
"Okay," I said.
"He is downstairs alone," he suggested.
"You think he will have me back?" I asked.
"Well, if he doesn't, I have plenty of room in my bed," he said.
"You are too easy," I said.
"Good night Aslinn," he said.
"Good night Big Viking,"I said.

Fangers and Megs

Fangers and Megs was a Vampire /Human Pub in Harrow where we sometimes went for a glass of beer, some pretty good fish and chips and the newest in British Vampire Blood Substitute called Red Ale. It was put out by Guinness Breweries but we knew it was just rebranded Tru:Blood. The original corporation had sold the rights to the formula and Guinness and Harp and Smithwicks were getting into the bottled blood business and we knew that Coors and Budweiser was preparing to do the same thing. It would take a long time, but it would eventually be accepted by the fanged set in America.

The UK brands were embraced with a relief. We made orders for an ample supply to hold our Vampires in healthy substitute blood for a long while. Bill was constantly on the phone with the States but I was not that interested in what he was doing and I think it hurt his feelings I was not nosy about his phone calls. The few times we had spent in the light tight room in Barrister’s manor house had been punctuated with short quickly staked discussions about what he was planning to do back in the states. Personally, I don’t think anyone but him was in a hurry to return to America. Even Eric was unconcerned.

James and Jessica were at the juke box, running through the list on the juke box. F and M’s jukebox had everything from early baroque and chamber music to rap and hip hop. Jessica had become interested in hippy music. I called her the ‘throwback’. That was when a young girl or guy would embrace the music and culture of another time and because of her boyfriend, she was a flower child, though she did trade in her broomstick skirts for miniskirts and go-go boots. I could see her in a cage at the Whiskey and James had promised to take her to San Francisco when things were okay. Lately, the HepV infected Vampires had been biting the noninfected Vampires to force them into their ranks and the virus was mutating. It was terrible. It made the difference between the traditional zombie and the Vampire very thin.

“What are you thinking about so hard dearest?” I looked up and looked directly into the grey orbs of Eric Northman. He looked great considering he had been found a crispy critter a few weeks ago. Now he was elegantly slouched in a Who Quadrophenia t-shirt and jeans and lace up boots.
“Nothing at all,” I said. “We need to go to London and get some shopping done,” I said. “I have done all the shopping I can do on line and now I have to go to London. Anyone interested?”
“I want to go…can we go to SoHo? I hear they have a lot of great shops,” said Jessica, scooting back to her seat. James slid into his chair with her. Barrister looked a little impatient. He had not been with Jess since James had come into the picture, but I was afraid it was going to take a while longer for some of the gold to get rubbed off him. Right now, he was it for Jessica.
“Absolutely,” I said. “We need to go to the Black Cat’s Cauldron anyway.”
“Yes, I am out of everything,” said Aolani. Pam was telling Renee that she wanted to go to Harrods and do some real shopping and then nudged Eric and said she would need his black AMEX card so she could go properly shopping, this Harrow town and country look was okay, but she missed her Louboutans and her a-lined skirts and custom made underwear. Eric wiggled around and slid his wallet out and gave her one of his AMEX cards and Pam snatched another card and he rolled his eyes.

“Women rob you blind,” said Eric.
“You need to hang out with the dudes more, Eric, we spend less money and we don’t care if you wear designer panties,” said Len.
“That’s right,” said Barrister. “You needn’t wear that frilly silky stuff for us.”
“Good because I don’t wear any underwear,” said the bold Viking. Minnie giggled. “Oh alright, sometimes I do, but hush you.”
“Did he wear sexy bloomers for you Minnie?” asked Renee, who wanted something to taunt Eric with.
“No,” she said, still fighting the giggles.
“So what did he wear like speedos or something?” I asked. Eric squinted his eyes at me and took a drink of his Red Ale.
“He wears silky underwear with smiley faces on them,” she said, laughing at his scowl.
“Well, then I know one little girl who is not going to see my smiley underwear for a long time,” he said.
“Why? You gonna wear the ones with the little devils on them?” asked Pam. Tara and Willa laughed.
“Give me my cards back,” said Eric, wiggling his fingers at her in a come on gesture.
“So sorry,” she said to Eric. “Not.”

Bill’s phone rang again and he stepped away from the table. “There he goes again,” said Renee, looking at Bill’s broad back. Unlike me and Bill who stifle a fight and take it out on one another in the sack, Renee and Bill fought. If Bill were not so much of gentleman, I would worry about Renee, but I knew he would never hurt her.

“Yeah, I have threatened to hold that thing underwater,” I said.
“Who Bill? Oh let me,” said Eric.
“His phone smart ass,” I said. “But I will keep you in mind.” Eric blew me a kiss and I showed him my finger.
“Why is he all about going back to that shit hole anyhow,” said Tara. Bon Temps was not Tara’s place in the world and she was in no hurry to return to it anytime soon. “I like it here.”
“Me too,” said Willa.
“Eventually we will have to go home and look into what might be left,” said Eric. “I have to figure out what to do with Fangtasia and what I am going to next, if I come back to the New World for good, or if I come back here.” Three big Vampires come in and we gave them the hair eyeball. We usually didn’t give other Vampires more than a courtesy glance but we were extremely wary because of the disease. They sat down at a table and then spotted us and stood up and came back toward us.

“Uh oh,” said Pam.
“You know the rules,” said Aolani.
“What rule?” asked Tara.
“Vampires don’t say uh oh,” I said in low voice.
“Cheers,” said the first Vampire. He was about Eric’s height and he was about as broad and he sported something of a gut but he looked healthy. “I’m Reggy, I’m the magistrate around here.”
“We are sorry, we don’t know the rules around here for visiting Vampires,” said Eric. “I’m Eric Northman.”
“And you pretty lady, what might your name be?” If you wrote that phonetically you would hear this: An’ YEW Priddy LayDee wot might yer NIME bay?
“I’m Pam, his daughter, and this is my daughter Tara and this is my baby sister, Willa,” she said.
“And these two young lovers?” he asked.
“This is Jessica, “ said Bill rejoining our party. “She is my daughter and his is her boyfriend, James.”
“Yanks?” he said.
“Yes, but we are all perfectly healthy,” said Eric.
“Here are the rules and regs like,” he said. “You are not permitted to hunt. You can call a feeding service or you can drink the Red Ale but we don’t allow hunting without authority.”
“And what if, for the sake of argument, we would like to hunt?” asked Eric. I flashed him an ugly look.
“Then it’s the Lord Mayor Vampire Harrow you would need to be seeing,” he said. “And likely he would say no, you being yanks and all. Behave yourself, and you will enjoy your time here. Act up and you will wish you had.”
“Gotcha,” said Eric, winking. Reg walked away.
“Did you burn away the frontal lobe of your damned brain Eric?” I asked in a hiss.
“Sorry, Aslinn, I could not resist,” he said.
“I’ll resist you with the business end of an ash stake,” I said. I gave him a parting glare. “Hey there, the local witches have invited us to the esbat celebrations, wanna go and see what the scene is here?” I asked Aolani.
“Do they mind if Jessica joins us?” asked Aolani.
“Apparently they don’t have those restrictions here in Britain or if they do, they don’t care, they said they had Vampires in their own coven,” I said. “Besides, it would be nice to hook up with some witches for Samhain.”
“It would,” said Aolani.
“Anyone interested in seeing a late movie?” asked Eric. “I’m treating.”
“You buy the tickets, Len and I will buy the snacks,” said Barrister.
“What shall we go see?” he asked.

The phone rang and Bill was up again.